I'm curious...

...as to what happened to my life.

We all still have south of sixer written on our myspace headlines, but when was the last time we hung out? Yeah, Jimmy had Rockband 2 for awhile so of course we were over there, but even then it felt kind of awkward, like a long lost family that hasn't seen each other in years and is trying to pretend they've been together the entire time.

This winter/summer were the best of my entire life.  I've never been happier than I was when we all used to hang out; having that group of friends, that constant, Jimmy, Eli, Meggin, Sarah, and Tyler, was the best thing in my life at that point.  I was never happier then when I could say that this weekend, we were all going to Jimmy's and hanging out.  No one understood why we hung out so much, but it didn't matter, because we had a blast.  When was the last time I stayed up until four in the morning just goofing off? When was the last time any of us took a trip to wal-mart to buy food and tshirts at almost 5:00 a.m.? How many times have any of us ran around Kroger's and asked random guys with beards if we could get our picture when them since we stopped hanging out?  Nothing compares to the times that we had.  No matter what group of friends I find, they will be nothing close to how we were.  I don't have a lot of people I trust, and I don't have a lot of people I feel close to, but those five people were people I knew would always be there any day of the week, and having those kind of friends is what everyone wants.  Well, I had it, for awhile...we all did.  What happened to it?  I miss it, I feel like nothing is the same anymore and like Eli said, I just wanna go back to when we were all happy and together.

I know, I make it sound like someone died.  But it kinda feels that way.  I know people lose friends when they graduate, but last time I checked, we still have seven more months.  What's the point of getting a jumpstart on not being friends?

the honeymoon is over.

it's simply a waste of enery trying to get your attention; while my mind is nowhere but on you, yours is anywhere but on me. i won't set myself up to be disappointed again; it's just a competition that i've already accepted losing.
so i'll get inside this shell, put up this thick brick wall that is so familiar and appears to be so strong...but all it takes is one look, one smile, one touch and i'm yours again. all you have to do is reach for me, and all my hostility melts. how can i stand up to you when you're my weakness? how can i resist you when you're all i've ever wanted?

so i guess this takes me back to square one. i'll watch you try, and i'll smile at your half-hearted attempts. i know there's more for you to give, but i'll learn to settle with what you already give me. i'll remember what you used to say, and pretend that it was only yesterday when i heard those words. i'll block myself out during times of ignorance, and take advantage of every second your eyes are on me. i'll live off those moments when your arms are around me and you take over every one of my senses; i'll remember every emotion that runs through me when everything is so intense that words escape me. i'll convince myself that you're feeling the same thing, that while you're sleeping next to me, your feelings for me are swamping you and you're just as near tears as i am. i'll pretend, for as long as i have to, that my feelings belong to you.

Currently Watching Juno (Two-Disc Special Edition with Digital Copy) By Ellen Page, Michael Cera, Jason Bateman, Jennifer Garner, Allison Janney see related

let's go.

 Who knew that life could change so dramatically in just six months?  It's a scary thought; my life has done a complete 360, and is now the polar opposite of everything it was before. It's great, and I'm loving every second of it.  But in six more months, it'll be October, and I'll be a sixteen-year-old senior in high school.  I might love my life how it is now, but if so much can change in just six months, how much can change in just six more?

I love when people talk about how scared they are of the future.  When they do, I really just wanna grab them and shake them. They're scared? Why don't they jump back a year in their lifetime and try getting ready for college then?  That's where I'm at.  Of course, I made the decision to be a grade ahead, and it's something I'll never regret because I absolutely love the class of 2009, but I feel like my time just got cut short.  It's like, my whole life I planned on having all this time to prepare for the future...now that time is here, a year early.  Talk about nerveracking.  In addition to that, greatness is expected in my family; from my great-grandparents right down to my older sisters, they've all been prepared and good at what they do.  But I, of course, have no idea what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go.  Time's running short and it seems like I have even less time than everyone else.

And by the way, I hate drunk people.  I hate when they don't own up to the fact that they are DRUNK, and still fully responsible for their actions.  I mean seriously, come on, turning the arguement around on me is not going to get you anywhere.  Neither is threatening me in your slurred voice and then not remembering it the next day.  You're 44 and a parent of six, grow up already.

And another thing - I have a boyfriend. :] a real boyfriend, who's all mine, someone I have a real relationship with.  It's the best and scariest thing in the entire world.  I keep waiting for something to happen, something to snap, and then it'll turn into every other relationship, with fights and disagreements and yelling and being miserable.  I keep reminding myself that not every relationship is like that, it's totally possible to have a good, healthy relationship with someone...but when every long term relationship you've seen is just bad, and the only one you've had was just not good, it's hard to remember that this might actually work, it's hard to realize that I'm actually happy and I can let my guard down with Tyler and not be afraid to get hurt like before. I don't know if he realizes how hard it is for me to tell him how much I like him, or make it seem like I'm dependent on him at all, but it's absolutely terrifying for me.  The last time I let someone get this close, I fell in love but I got hurt, and I got hurt way more than once.  But I can do this, because I want to, because he's worth it and because this is a good thing.  [:

<3

oh, and I'm going to a Paramore concert tomorrow. I understand your jealousy.

I'm ready for a grrreat new year.

This is probably gunna be one of the best years of my life.  I don't have anything holding me back and you have no idea how amazing that feels. For once, I'm actually in charge of my own life, and it's about what I want and what I nee, not about anyone else's wants or needs. It's a pretty awesome feeling, and I could not be more excited.

What I really can't wait for is April.  My parents gave me the a-okay to have my sweet sixteen party at the park house, which means I can invite EVERYONE. And trust me, I will. It's gunna be the time of my life, lol. Then a week later, I get my license, and then during the summer I'll have more freedom than I've ever had.  Seriously, I cannot wait.

:D

<3

I am sick

of people not trusting me.

I've never gotten drunk. I've never smoked a cigarette. I've never even been around any kind of drug except when it's my own FAMILY MEMBERS doing them. I've never had sex. I've never even come close. I've never been in trouble with the law or done anything to get in trouble with law. I don't associate myself with people who are drinking or smoking.  I don't even put myself in those kind of situations. My friends don't do that stuff either, and if they do, they sure as hell don't do it when I'm around. I don't intend on doing any of these things at anytime during my highschool career, and probably not even after that.

So seriously, WHAT is the problem? Why does everyone insist on telling my parents that I'm a terrible kid and they should keep me on a tighter leash? and why, WHY are the people telling my parents this people that don't even know me or my friends?

You wanna know what we do when we're together? When we're at Jimmy's; we sit on his couch and watch television and goof off. We cook things in his kitchen and then sit on his computer room floor and eat them. We sit in his room and watch TV and kick each other. OH MY GOD what terrible kids, right? When we're at Stewy's - we sit on his couch and play Guitar Hero, or we watch all the random 1990's movies that he has. Terrifying, right? When we're at Sam's - we don't even hang out with Sam! we hang out with his mom and his 12 year old brother. God, we're such freaking hell raisers. Yeah, I'm definitely doing things a 15 year old shouldn't be. and yeah, my parents should really stop giving me so much freedom because I'm obviously abusing it.

What. The. Hell.

If you don't know me, and you don't know what my friends do, shut up.  I'm one of the best behaved kids my parents have had. I have good morals, and I stick to them.  Yeah, sure, in 8th grade, I lied to my parents all the time, about everything. But I'm not THAT immature anymore; I don't do things I shouldn't, and my parents of all people should know that. Who is the only person in our whole family who goes to church on a regular basis? Who has a good group of friends who don't get them in trouble? Who has never drank or smoked or had sex or even come CLOSE to doing all those things? Who can't even STAND being around people who are doing those things?

I repeat: What. The. Hell.

I'm sick of this. I deserve to be trusted. I deserve to be able to go hang out with my friends. I DON'T deserve any of this shit that's being said about me by people who have no clue what they're talking about.

<3